Scars

I have a lot of scars that can be seen and even more that are unseen, but let me tell you about these visible ones on my very white left leg. Because of these scars, I can look back and see how the Lord worked and pursued me when I was just doing my own thing. It was Thursday, March 19, 1998 - 21 years ago yesterday. I had just finished my second quarter exams at Columbus State and was nearly home to start my Spring Break. I was a server at the Fayetteville Dwarf House and was looking forward to working that night and over the break as well as seeing a little more of Marc.

As I came around a curve in my little Ford Escort, Atlanta Motor Speedway came into view, which meant I was almost home. Another passing car came into my lane a little, so I went off the road some to give them room, but was shaken and jerked the wheel to the left to get back on the road, then over corrected to the right and lost control. I ended up in a ditch facing an inflated air bag and a huge oak tree. My door had been ripped off and I my left leg was lying outside the car as well as my tennis shoe. Glass was everywhere. Later I'd find scrapes, cuts and scratches all over my body that I hardly noticed then. The pain in my left leg was excruciating. The dash was in my lap, trapping my right leg. These were the days before cell phones were commonplace and there was no way I could get myself out to go get help at the nearest business less than a half mile away.  A few minutes later a car drove by and I tried my best to wave my arms to get their attention and show them I was alive and conscious.

The Hampton ambulance showed up, assessed things and tried to use the Jaws of Life, but it didn't work to get the dash off me. I tried pressing down on my seat cushion and was able to free my right leg. I also remember a paramedic with a 35 mm (camera). She said, "You're gonna want to see these pictures!" (I contacted her a year later and she couldn't find them, though.) I remember them cutting my favorite Calvin Kleins, putting me on a stretcher and then a very bumpy, painful ride to Henry Medical that I thought would never end! Once I got there, they asked me for phone numbers.  I was alone on a stretcher and I guess my body was in shock and I started shaking, creating more pain. Mama and Randy, Marc, Baba and Grandburger (our adopted grandparents) and later Marc's parents all came to see me in the ER.  I remember Grandburger praying for me. After a lot of tests and x-rays, they said I had broken my left tibia (shin bone) in half and fractured my pelvis. An orthopedic surgeon was called in and I went into surgery later that night just after Mama and Marc told me goodnight. The surgeon put a titanium rod and three screws in my left leg. My pelvis would heal on its own. The next thing I remember is waking up in recovery and being moved to a room. It was a fitful night. It’s a crazy thing waking up in terrible pain and wondering if it’s all a nightmare, but you can’t move because you’re so drugged up and your leg looks like Frankenstein’s with all the stitches. It was very swollen and raised up in a splint. I spent a few more days in the hospital and then went home to my new reality.

My life and my plans were turned upside down. I didn't go back to Columbus for my third quarter.  I couldn't walk or work. I had no car and very little money. My once busy days were now filled with doctor visits, physical therapy, TV, reading, loneliness and boredom. I was very depressed. To be honest, I wanted to die. But boredom can be a wonderful thing. God is sovereign and He is always working, even when we can’t see it. When we aren't seeking Him and we are doing our own thing, He is still seeking us. I overheard Marc’s mom say to my mom a few weeks after my accident, “The Lord has a plan for her life. That’s the only reason she survived that!” And I found hope. I put thoughts of ending everything aside. There must be some purpose to this pain I was in and maybe, just maybe, the Lord could use it!

I knew all about pain! I was in pain if I sat too long, stood too long, and especially if I tried to walk too long. I became very familiar with the word “sedentary”. I looked for a “sedentary job”. I lived a “sedentary lifestyle”.  And as a result of my “sedentary life”, I gained weight and lost all the muscle in my left leg and even some in my right.  Ugh. It was depressing. I had to lug crutches around everywhere. If I didn’t have my crutches, I was holding on to things as I walked. Marc would patiently sit with me a lot or help me find a seat somewhere when we’d go out.  It was miserable, but the Lord was working. I put my crutches aside and decided to use my stubbornness for something good - learning to walk again on my own.

Two months later, my family moved away for Randy's job and I decided to stay in the area.  I knew Marc was "the one" and I was transferring to Mercer that fall.  Marc’s grandparents offered me a place to live for free until I found a job. I got involved in church again.  I interviewed for a secretary job at a real estate office and got the job a week later.  Grandpa took me and picked me up from work every day until I saved up enough to buy a car right before classes started in August. I continued to rent a room from Granny and Grandpa until right before I graduated, though. We were all sad when I moved to my first apartment. We made a lot of sweet memories together that I will always cherish!  

Now back to 1998...later that year my leg still wasn’t healing because my fibula (which runs parallel with the tibia) didn’t break, just the tibia (shin bone). That explained the constant pain when I walked. The surgeon went back in and removed my ankle screw to try and help the two pieces of the tibia fuse together. I refused the option of breaking my fibula to make it heal. I didn't have time for that with work and school. It took a really long time to mend and I walked in pain and with a limp for many years.  Somehow I managed to continue to work full time and finish school on time, even though I had gotten behind my Freshman year. 

Now these faded, ugly scars remind me of how I had to learn the hard way. I thought I was in control and could do things in my own strength, but it turns out He is the one with the controls and all the real strength. I sure am thankful for a Heavenly Father who forced me to slow down and stripped me of everything except for what He knew I needed. Thank You, Lord, for these scars!  I’d rather have these ugly scars than have continued in a different direction.  Oh, and today I can walk and hike for miles. I've even run a few 5Ks. My left shin rarely bothers me anymore. The Lord is good!  

One more thing...we drove past that old oak tree last summer.  It's still standing there with its scars, too.

Darkest water and deepest pain

I wouldn't trade it for anything

'Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

- SCARS by I Am They-

Listen to the full song here.....

Left Ankle Scar w/screw

Left Side of Knee

Left Knee Scar